Andy from Powhatan
A: That's tough to say. It mostly depends on who you ask. I'll give you an honest run down of Chaffin's career and personal life and leave it up to you to decide.
Year-By-Year Career Stats
Year AB HR AVG RBI R SB
1965 67 32 .722 142 152 2
1966 31 2 .194 12 10 0
Career Coaching Stats
Games W L CHAMP APP CHAMP W
456 285 133 12 7
Chaffins first got into church softball in the mid-1960s. In his inaguaral season, he batted a cool .722, belting 32 round-trippers and driving in 142 runners, all Church Softball league records. However, the pressures of following up such a monumental rookie campaign took a toll on the lad, and during the offseason he began delving into hardcore psychedelic drugs to alleviate his anxiety.
"Ehhh it wasn't out of the ordinary for me to drop 15-20 tabs of acid a day. I would eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and every hour in between those meals. Most of the time I would just eat acid instead of food, then I would go play with Patches, my most ehhh beloved sheep."
Before he knew it, Chaffins found himself completely immersed in the hippie counter culture of the 1960s. Softball soon took a back seat to psychedelic hysteria, Beatles' records, and bizarre drug-induced orgies that often involved upwards of 50 participants. Often times these binges would be held on the Chaffins' family ranch, and many times helpless animals were forced to bear witness to these"lewd sexual acts."
"It was uncouth," said Patches the friendly sheep, "Uncouth and unholy."
Chaffins' mile-a-minute, rock-star lifestyle began affecting his performance on the diamond. His sophomore effort was a complete and utter flop: he batted a mere .194 before being promptly released by PUMC mid way through the season. For most people, batting below the Mendoza line and being released from a contract that never actually existed in the first place would have been rock bottom, and it was for Doug Chaffins as well. It was in this state of exasperated delirium that Chaffins' experienced his first spiritual awakening.
"It was like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis," stated a wide-eyed Chaffins, "and ehh God was that lightning bolt. He showed me my destiny, and it was coaching church softball."
Since that moment of revelation, Chaffins' has not had a single hit of acid or toke of marijuana. After taking five years off to detoxify his body, Chaffins' took over the reigns at PUMC and lead the team to it's first ever championship game appearance. The game ended with Chaffins' and PUMC getting romped 46-0, but the outcome was arbitrary; getting to the championship game proved to the league that Chaffins' had what it took to manage at the highest level of Church Softball (which also happens to be the only level of church softball.)
Thirty seven years, 7 championships, 285 wins, and 1 stroke later, Chaffins is still the head honcho in the PUMC dugout. His highly-successful scatterbrained managerial tactics have bred many imitators, and as we all know, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. But while many will attempt to imitate, none will ever replicate, for Doug Chaffins is the Jimi Hendrix of Church Softball**. His style is sloppy, but the results are always crowd-pleasing.
"Ehhh it wasn't out of the ordinary for me to drop 15-20 tabs of acid a day. I would eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and every hour in between those meals. Most of the time I would just eat acid instead of food, then I would go play with Patches, my most ehhh beloved sheep."
Before he knew it, Chaffins found himself completely immersed in the hippie counter culture of the 1960s. Softball soon took a back seat to psychedelic hysteria, Beatles' records, and bizarre drug-induced orgies that often involved upwards of 50 participants. Often times these binges would be held on the Chaffins' family ranch, and many times helpless animals were forced to bear witness to these"lewd sexual acts."
"It was uncouth," said Patches the friendly sheep, "Uncouth and unholy."
Chaffins' mile-a-minute, rock-star lifestyle began affecting his performance on the diamond. His sophomore effort was a complete and utter flop: he batted a mere .194 before being promptly released by PUMC mid way through the season. For most people, batting below the Mendoza line and being released from a contract that never actually existed in the first place would have been rock bottom, and it was for Doug Chaffins as well. It was in this state of exasperated delirium that Chaffins' experienced his first spiritual awakening.
"It was like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis," stated a wide-eyed Chaffins, "and ehh God was that lightning bolt. He showed me my destiny, and it was coaching church softball."
Since that moment of revelation, Chaffins' has not had a single hit of acid or toke of marijuana. After taking five years off to detoxify his body, Chaffins' took over the reigns at PUMC and lead the team to it's first ever championship game appearance. The game ended with Chaffins' and PUMC getting romped 46-0, but the outcome was arbitrary; getting to the championship game proved to the league that Chaffins' had what it took to manage at the highest level of Church Softball (which also happens to be the only level of church softball.)
Thirty seven years, 7 championships, 285 wins, and 1 stroke later, Chaffins is still the head honcho in the PUMC dugout. His highly-successful scatterbrained managerial tactics have bred many imitators, and as we all know, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. But while many will attempt to imitate, none will ever replicate, for Doug Chaffins is the Jimi Hendrix of Church Softball**. His style is sloppy, but the results are always crowd-pleasing.
* After writing this article, I did some internet research and was surprised to learn that no Church Softball Hall of Fame exists anywhere in the known universe.
** There are many other parallels to be drawn between Chaffins and Hendrix. Both were seen as visionaries of the hippie counter culture, both abused acid to the point of near-insanity, and both have African-American lineage***.
*** The African-American lineage of Chaffins is highly debatable.
